rootrazz

In the last couple months, I got married, made the Dean's list twice, and am moving to Connecticut soon. I'm so excited. Though life always seems to be changing, this is pretty significant for me. Soon I'll be graduated with my Associates degree and really be making something of myself. Artistically, I'm sunk though. Thats okay, life seems to be okay with my missing muse. Hopefully I'll find it soon though.

So, usually I hate to write on these things because well..no one reads them. Tonight I'm taking advantage of that and getting a lot of things off my mind. Due to lack of sleep and racing thoughts, I haven't been doing anything since getting back from Chicago. I finally got to see my fiance, and he is amazing. The Navy graduation and this whole process has been really hard, but it's worth it for him to be doing something he loves. It's brought up a lot of issues in my mind, like, what the next 20 years of my life are going to be like and such.

So, I've had an existential crisis starting. Part of it is between classes and college and between my relationship and where things stand. To me, college is a joke. I feel like I'm in high school and still not going anywhere with my life. I want it to be done so I can start a career and move in the right direction. Right now, spring quarter is about to start, and I'm yet to relax from Winter quarter.

At the same time, my relationship is feeling totally foreign to me. For the last 8 weeks, I've pretty much had to be independent and single, now I'm back to being in a long distance relationship. It's hard to talk about feelings with him and I feel extremely distant from him emotionally. Of course, I can't tell him that because he can't change it. It's basically trying to fall in love all over again to someone who is changing. He's the same man in person, but online and on the phone, everything feels different. I'm thinking part of this is just lack of sleep though. I know he loves me and that he cares, but I always worry he'll find someone better or someone he has more in common with. I've gained the freshman 15 and he's lost 30 pounds. He looks amazing and I'm just a blob. I guess it's the feeling of inadequacy. He's amazing and deserves the best.  

I don't know, maybe a little OCD cleaning or something will help to resolve or push it in the back of my mind.

I've found my muse again. I swear, it disappears and then surfaces randomly. I was recently inspired to start drawing again by one of my closest friends (my future sister in law). Hopefully soon I'll be posting more. Since my fiance left for boot camp, I've become more individualized and picked up drawing again.

Ugh, just one of those days. Got a big project I'm starting for painting, a Michaelangelo style with plaster. Plus, my future mother in law is putting the pressure on my sister in law, which makes me feel horrible. I mean, it's her decision to drive or not. grrr. But, I'm hoping to finish one of my sculptures soon, and start another one next week. =]

Well, it's been two years or so since I made my deviant art profile and I've come to the realization, it could be fun to keep an online journal. Though I can't gaurentee it'll say anything about art. Plus, I'm working on a "self portrait" painting for class, and it's horrible. Self portrait in the loosest of terms, considering it's using things to symbolize ourselves without being symbols. I decided to go with contradiction. It seemed fitting. I even through my OCD in there for good measure.
     Nothing too eventful in life. Got engaged, tried giving him back, Kels wouldn't take him (Kels is his sister), so I guess I'm keeping him. I washed a wall today, so I can complete a project thats ten years in the making. The difficult task is hanging pictures. I'm the second one to get this job (the first person is my father in law to be. He tends to be the best at procrastination). Still trying to find my niche in the art world. =]